A Tale of 2-1/2 Tails, or Possessed by a Different Mermaid

Last year I started a new mermaid, inspired by a beautiful face created by Darcy Rosner of Sweet Bananaberry. Mermaids are known to possess one or all of three outstanding attractive features: long and luscious hair, large tatas (breasts), and an enticing tail.

I usually start with the tatas, but Leilehua started with her face. Once the face is attached to the doll, she comes to life and begins to share opinions about how she should look and what colors she likes. Even though the face is securely bezeled with 24K gold seed beads and tiny crystals, it will remain tied down until the front is completely finished. I've had too many faces pop out of their bezels while I was working on the rest of the body.

When I finished her upper body, I wasn't happy. I thought to myself, "This doll is really derivative. There is nothing original about her. " Derivative of what? Well, ME, and a dozen other mermaids I've made. Definitely recognizable as my "style" - pretty face, unusually small but flashy tatas, mixed fiber hair embedded with freshwater pearls, plenty of 24K gold. She's pretty, and other folks liked her, but I was really discouraged and felt like I was just repeating myself, which is essentially boring


So she sat in a ziploc bag for a while. She's sat in a bag a lot over the last year.

I switch back and forth from more-or-less improvisational bead embroidery to doing highly structured and counted bead weaving, often from another artist's pattern. Each process can be done with focused intention, and each is a relief from the other. I've always like Chinese lacquered and articulated fish ornaments and Linda Richmond made a pattern to bead one. It was great fun, I made it in a couple of different colorways, adapting it to the beads I had on hand.

I tested some original designs for a beaded pinwheel and made two Kaleidocycles.

 Every once in a while I'd get Leilehua out and feel stymied by how "derivative" she was. Talk about your inner critic! We are our own harshest judges. My husband recently suggested I could think of her differently, perhaps as being the culmination of a long series of increasingly accomplished dolls. OK, maybe.

One day I was thinking about - all right, PRAYING for inspiration - what would make her different and more interesting. The obvious answer was an articulated bead-woven tail. And off I went, starting with a top "skirt" around the body. That looked a bit scruffy at the back, so I gave her a chiffon veil to tie it in. I then made five more "skirts," decreasing in size.

In Linda Richmond's original fish pattern the tail end was flat, done in brick stitch. It looked great with her fish, but I'm not fond of brick stitch and decided to design my own tail using peyote stitch and make it 2-sided to increase its depth. I finished half of one side and decided it just didn't go with the body.

My final tail fin is livelier and has more dimension. It's a lovely tail.

When I tried to put the tail segments together, they didn't work at all! They completely nested together instead of rising in tiers. I was almost in tears myself at that point. I tried various ways of tacking the tops to narrow them, none of which worked. Back into the bag she went!

A few weeks ago I took her out again. She was prettier than I remembered and I decided to make her a new tail, bead embroidered instead of woven. Starting from her hip size, I drew out the new tail and laid it out. I didn't have any felt the same color as the body, so I decided to make it fuschia and tie in the body colors. It seemed a bit large from the beginning, but Leilehua kept saying she liked it.

When it was done, it was obviously out of scale and belonged to some other mermaid. Back into the bag with Leilehua and the new mermaid began to come into being.

                                                The story continues with Sophia...

Tatanui - A Manifestation Dolly

Tatanui's inception - beadbacking cut to shape and peyote petals ready to attach.
Plenty of my favorite colors and 24K beads and pearls to play with.

I've written here and here about the Improvisational Bead Embroidery workshop with Robin Atkins that I'm organizing for March. It's filling up and there are only a few spaces left, which is really exciting. I've been focused on attracting students who will learn and enjoy and have as much fun as I'm going to.

At the end of the first night - her tatas look as big
as her head and she gets her name.

 As often happens, I made an intention and start working on it, energized it fully in the beginning, and began to see results. Then life and grief intervened, and my energy and attention took a dip for a while. I couldn't feel enthusiastic about much of anything except crawling into a hole and pulling the edges in after me. I wove prayer nets on the needle, and tried to focus on beauty.

Tatanui's 3rd day - she sits next to a replica "Doll of the Vespi," Russian fertility doll.
She has a 24K ruffle and heavy 24K border.

 So, the question is: How do we persist and keep the vision and intention energized when entropy and daily life start to wear it down? Well, how do we persist in anything? Step by step, meal by meal, 10 minutes at a time on a work project if that's all we can manage, thought by thought, bead by bead.

I persist by making art that consciously symbolizes and energizes my intentions. As I stitch each bead, I say a prayer. I see my intention coming to pass and I feel the emotions that I would feel in that moment. I see it, I savor it, and I save it in memory.

Bodice has been filled in with vintage sequins and pearls,
more gold. Peyote stitch sleeves begun.

I don't have hours every day to do this, so she developed over a period of 10 days. There were a couple of nights I didn't do much except look at her and focus. I created a graphic of the checks I wanted to receive, and kept her on it, near my computer. I also did a number of practical marketing steps, like follow up on email leads, post to Facebook, follow up with a venue. This is important - simply thinking and dreaming does not produce a comfortable, well-organized workshop with great food. And how would any other sort of workshop attract students?

Up in Kokee - the head enlarged and a lovely face by Dottie Hoeschen
added and temporarily bound with string until bezel is complete.

 I like to take my dolls out into nature, to strengthen them. Doc Matt and I went up to the mountains on our Sunday date. He played guitar and I beaded happily and we went home refreshed and energized.

 Tata's front is done. Her tatas no longer look as nui as they did in proportion to the rest of her body. It's the giant head, which could symbolize the power of the imagination. The hot pink vintage sequins have consistently morphed into ovals, possibly from being under a warm lamp, or leaning up against a warm battery back-up. So do the components of our intentions change and modify as we go along.

I can hear you thinking: "Is EVERYTHING symbolic to this woman?" And the short answer is... (wait for it) ... YES. Everything is symbolic when you operate on a symbolic level.

The next night, the 8th night, I finished the back. I kept thinking it needed a tassel or something, but in the end I liked the simplicity and the power of the words. Words are strong, they have power. The words we use to describe our emotions and situations influence our reactions and eventual outcomes. This is easy to demonstrate: Say to yourself "I feel like a huge pile of crap." See how you feel. Say to yourself "I feel lucky! I always have been lucky and I always will be. I get what I want. I win!" See how you feel. Which is more effective?

Tatanui is done! Sitting on her checks and energizing my intentions.

Every day after I played with Tatanui and focused on my intention, I got some return, either new registrants, or checks in the mail. Focused intention brings results! The work doesn't stop when the doll is made - it doesn't stop until you reach your goal.

We are very near that goal - only 4 spots left. This doll was created using 5 basic stitches, all of which you can learn in this workshop. Now is your moment of power to sign up!

Grief

I just googled "January is the cruelest month." Turns out to be a misquote of "April is the cruelest month," from T.S. Eliot's Waste Land, but Google had 283,000 references, so some other people have thought it was January.

It felt cruel. Dr. Sherman Merle, the father of one of my dearest friends, passed away and was buried with military attention. His granddaughter Sarah, a rabbinical student from New York, presided over the service and it was beautiful and comforting. The loud chirping and song of birds interrupted the prayers and testimonials, which was appropriate since his nickname and handle were "blackbird".  I'd never attended a full-on graveside funeral and hope to never do so again. It was weird and hard, even though his passing was a blessing on many levels. He was 90.

The day of the funeral, one of my best friends of 35 years, John Foppes, AKA Foopes, was in the hospital and hung there in a coma for several days, 1 foot in each world, before waking up and then lapsing into complete liver failure and passing away. He was 60 and one of the most loving people I've ever known.

Foopes and his son Nathan

Another close friend is divorcing her husband and experiencing that loss. The end of a marriage is often the end of a way of life in a beautiful place and that is a loss in itself. On some level, I've been grieving that loss, too - of my own first marriage and our family, friends, and dreams together in that magical place in the woods.

Grief is insidious sometimes. There are the hard constantly tearful days, weeping and more weeping, ending up at night unable to sleep because your head is pounding and your heart hurts. Those gradually pass, and then come the days when you think you're more or less done grieving for now and a song or a poem or even a happy memory suddenly starts the tears afresh. Or you have to tell someone, and that makes it more immediate again. Sometimes I feel disloyal for being alive, enjoying myself, laughing. This is all normal. Anything we feel or experience is normal.

A prayer net for Foopes - this is what I do when I don't know what to do. I bead and I pray. I pray and I bead.

New losses bring up old losses to be reviewed and healed, if necessary. Some people believe that grief has a basis in anger at the person we've lost. I don't feel angry now, but sometimes new loss brings up old anger, and that is illuminating.

Foopes and Rhiannon, back in the day

 All these things made it difficult to work, dream, plan. A couple of times I thought I'd give up the dream. "OK, it's not working, it's not going to, why waste energy on it, waaaaaa, etc etc". REALLY? Doc Matt put it clearly: "Your friend is sad because she's going through some big changes, and you are depressed because your best friend died. It has nothing to do with this dream. Give it a chance, don't give up."

After a while, I get bored with the tears, the focus on what I've lost, it's limiting and it's tiresome and it makes me sick. It's not good for my eyes to cry this much. I have to turn to appreciating all the things I HAVE, because grace is boundless and they are many. The world doesn't stop being a beautiful place just because we've been focused inward. It is still there, waiting to help us heal.

I decided to make a doll that would focus my thoughts and energy on what I wanted to manifest - a fabulous improvisational bead embroidery workshop with the right number of participants.

Voila! Tatanui.....

Blocks to Manifestation: Shooting Yourself in the Foot

E Aloha Pau Ole - Wedding Blessings

Having some hidden reservations about your own success may keep you from manifesting your desires. How does that show up in your practical life?

Sometimes it's by not doing small things that would help you reach your goals. Like letting people know that you want to manifest a commission and then not letting them know how to contact you, for instance.

I can be reached by email: pegnard7777 (at) yahoo.net.

Intentional Symbolic Dolls

I was very excited to receive a commission to make an intentional doll last week. It seemed to just come out of the blue... and yet this is something I truly love to do, and would like to do more.

Intentional dolls are very personal, and the details of the person and their intention are always kept confidential, but I can share the picture and the prayer that went with it. Every doll is different. This was a very zippy and sunny doll ~ had the energy of a Mexican Jumping Bean! And so much fun to make. I probably didn't charge enough for the length of time it took.

That's always a question for me... I do healing work by donation only. This is my choice, and it doesn't reflect a judgment on those healers who do charge a set price for their work. I accept the donation gladly and give at least 10% of it away to someone in need.

 

So is an intentional doll healing work? Well, yes. And no. Depends on what your intention is. I charge for these commissioned dolls, but I have also made many of them for free, for healing purposes. I put a lot of my own energy and intention into these dolls, and I am open to receiving energy (compensation) in exchange.

My own intention is to do more of them, and be well-enough compensated that I can do it at least half-time. That is my yellow-brick path with heart, and this is my own doll in process.

She still has strings covering her face! That's not particularly symbolic - they hold the cabochon on while the bezel is beaded, and I don't take them off until the doll is completely done. The original body pattern I modified here was from Spirit Dolls by Robin Atkins, and I probably got that tip about tying the face down from her, too. I've learned so much from her, I can usually attribute any cool thing I know how to do to her. I've made dolls shaped like this since I was a small kid, but this particular shape was from that pattern.

As I'm making this doll, I am holding the firm intention that I will get more commissions and truly grow and leaf out in my ability to focus, create, and manifest for myself and others.

I love the other work I do - social media management and marketing - and will continue to do that half-time. I'm seeing myself sewing on a doll for some happy client every day and joining my loving intentional energy with theirs. My entire life will be 24K. And I will be able to play with 24K Delicas every day! Now that is my ideal life. Social media mornings and intentional afternoons.

IMUA!

Bless Our Happy Big Island Home

Fiddling with Dolls While Norway Burns

Lolana of Nanakuli

 A great disaster happened in Norway yesterday - a young man killed many innocent people, most of them teenagers who had been attending an island retreat just a few minutes by car from where one of my friends lives. The killing is believed to have been politically motivated.

When I first heard the news (on Facebook) I felt horror, shock, dismay, helpless. Then I remembered that we are NEVER helpless in the face of a disaster. We can always send healing energy to help those in need, and strengthen the helpers on the ground.

Serena

Serge Kahili King has written about this on http://huna.org/html/911.html.

"Each time you become aware again of what happened and/or what's being done about it, here are some specific suggestions of what to do:
1. Pray to a higher power to help the helpers (which includes healers and peacemakers).
2. Imagine the helpers being surrounded by healing light and/or being assisted by angels or other spirit helpers.
3. If you know how, do an inner symbolic journey to help the helpers.
4. To the best of your ability, take the time to bring your own spirit to a state of peace by meditating on the beauty and goodness in the world, and practice positive expectation no matter what happens that the work of the helpers will be successful, in this world or another. This may be the most difficult thing of all to do ... and the most beneficial." (bolding mine)

Does suspending our own joy in life help others in any way? No, I don't believe so. Does our joy and happiness increase the "happiness quotient" of the world? I think it does. If we can truly achieve #4 above, then we are free to go about our daily business with joy. My spirit comes to peace most readily when I play with dolls or garden, so that's what I've been doing.

Bless Our Happy Big Island Home

Intentional Healing Dolls

Throughout this time of great change, I've still been making intentional healing dolls. Doing healing work and making dolls combines the best of all of my worlds and keeps me grounded and present.

Gracie

 

What makes a doll (or anything) intentional? There are 2 layers of intention involved.

Holding a healing intention while making the doll - really focusing on the recipient and what they want to manifest - puts an energetic wave into the universal energy pool that starts or amplifies that manifestation. A thought, or a prayer, is only as strong as the focus you put on it. One thought in passing won't influence your world that much. That thought or desire, focused on many times with enthusiasm, and acted upon as well, is much more likely to make a difference.

Each stitch, each action in making an intentional doll, is taken while holding the focus on the intention for it as a symbolic object. Each stitch is like a little drum beat, "heal, heal, heal" or "love, love, love." A certain amount of that energy is transferred to the doll itself and continues to radiate out to the field around it.

The second layer of intention comes from the recipient, who uses the doll as a symbol of the intention they expressed in the beginning. They have homework to do with the doll when it arrives. The first assignment is to find out the name of the doll, by going into focused meditation and asking the name. In this way they establish a relationship and connection with the symbol, and often gain a life-long spirit friend in the process. These dolls are alive!

The new friend serves as a symbol constantly bringing the intention to focus, but no symbol is enough by itself. The next step is to take action toward the goal. No manifestation happens without movement!

Take Gracie the Love Fairy as an example. You can sit on the sofa eating bonbons and reading trashy novels, with your hair up in curlers and goo all over your face, staring at your love fairy - and the perfect lover will probably not show up at the door with the pizza you ordered. Or if he does, the sight of you is not likely to be magnetic.

In addition to holding your focus, you must think carefully about the qualities you want in a mate. What is really important? Why do you want it now? What do you have to give? You must make a space in your heart, and a big space in your calendar, and tell all your friends you're ready, and go out where the men (or women) are.

And then expect the best!